Together Within
by Sapfarah
Summary: Torn between two worlds, striving for the unity of her soul, Terra Brandford, half human and half Esper realises that inner balance and fulfilment relies on the single sentiment she never thought possible to experience.


Together within -- by Sapfarah ( sapfarah@geocities.com )  
  
Gazing afar, nothing I see, other than this forsaken   
nothingness of the world, as it has ended. A world I hardly recognise   
as it has been transformed but implausibly, I feel easier to belong   
to and embrace. For although there was a settled order before, I have   
never been a part of that world. I don't know why that rearrangement   
bothers me. The previous situation wasn't much better. But at least,   
I had been used to it.  
I've been a Magitek warrioress and an imperial soldier. I've   
been a witch and an outcast. A refugee and a runaway. Half Esper,   
half human. Ultimately, nothing. The Espers rejected me as lesser of   
their kind. The humans faced me with disbelief and in fear they have   
battled and confined me. I look into the mirror for myself and even I   
do not recognise it. I can't expect them to like me when even I don't   
know myself. Hair of sapphire and skin of ochre, face of a woman and   
animal's eyes. This is me. A monster of sorts. I shouldn't be   
surprised I scare them when I appear scaring to myself...  
Yet there was somebody who could see above that surface, into   
things within me that I had not known. Someone dared to approach the   
soul this body carries and treat it as its equal. Someone was brave   
enough to reach out for me and hold me for who I am... General Leo.  
The most devoted soldier of emperor Gestahl, a man of his word   
with loyalty unquestionable. I had heard of him before, so many times   
while I served the Empire but I truly got to know him only as the   
world was coming to an end, upon that ship on Albrook, carrying our   
last hope of reconciliation with the Espers for a stronger alliance   
to defend the world... I would be the ambassador, because of my   
ambiguous existence but I had ulterior reasons behind my   
volunteering. Not for the sake of the world as we knew and wanted it,   
or for the sake of my friends either. I wanted to find for myself   
whether this could be possible, Espers and humans to come together.   
If the world could support the coexistence, then I too had a chance   
to bring my two parts together and find a place in a world that held   
me alien for as long as I can remember...  
I couldn't sleep that night, where in my mind my human fears   
tried to prepare or prevent me against a meeting with my unknown   
part. I'm half Esper but never have I been in touch with that side of   
me. I've been raised as a human and know that part of me. Yet I'm an   
Esper. The call of that side is too powerful to ignore... I had   
experienced it once before and I dread at its powers. It sweeps me   
beyond my will, with a force I can't control. It's horrible to live   
in fear of your very existence. It's carrying a prison everywhere you   
go and you can't get rid of it.  
General Leo had spoken to me that night... I'll never forget   
his words that remain inside my heart as the only memory I cherish of   
a world that never wanted me, from the mouth of the man, who more   
than anyone represented all that was then and all that I hated. I was   
incapable of loving but I knew hate very well. I hated Kefka for   
commanding me, I hated his colorful appearance and loud laughter. I   
hated my power that was responsible for my slavery as I hated my   
weakness that couldn't set me free. And yet, he spoke to me as I was   
alone, always alone, like I've been throughout my life. He found me   
when I was lost, he talked to me when I didn't want to hear, even   
though I dreaded the silence equally. He touched me in a way I never   
thought possible. And I have changed ever since.  
I confided to General Leo that starry night, not because he   
made me feel secure. I was at a loss, my entire being a question   
mark. I had no interest in this world or where it headed. I didn't   
know my self. I felt so weak... He reassured me. He knew me not and   
yet he comforted me, like a father to a child and even more. He   
apologised to me in his own way. Of all the times he had been there   
and couldn't help me... I cannot blame him, no more than I blame   
Celes for my captivity, or the war of the Magi. But hearing his words   
soothed my soul. And though I didn't believe him when he said it, his   
assurance was longed for all the same... I felt something different   
that night.  
General Leo confessed his own loneliness in return... I don't   
know if the origins were similar to mine, but the feeling, just as   
him, I knew only too well... And yet that night, another soul   
confided in me. That night, someone sought for my compassion. That   
night was the first time in my life that I felt wanted... esteemed   
and trusted... That night I had a small taste of the only thing I was   
missing.  
I felt the same way as I reached unto the deserted village of   
Mobliz. The light of judgement had fried the place. Only the children   
survived, because their parents had hid them, sheltered them to the   
cost of their life. I came there and saw small faces, covered in dirt   
and tears. I saw famished faces. Scared faces. I had to do something   
for them.  
I stayed with them and helped them organise. We gathered all   
that we could in the safest building and waited. Days, weeks... maybe   
months... With every day passing, I saw colour returning to those   
cheeks. I saw smiles upon those faces. I heard them laugh, I heard   
them cry, until they became a part of me... They called me mama...   
and the feeling was strange... I felt wanted. Needed.  
Loved...  
All was a brand new emotion that I never thought me capable of   
having and wondered how it was possible that I had lived so long   
without it...  
Changes... I've never had to decide for anything. I just took   
things as they came, without the option of a choice. Soon, I didn't   
even have the wish for it. And here I was, in a rapidly changing   
world, with drastic changes within myself, having to balance again,   
into a being I could recognise... it was even harder than before. I   
wanted to explore my new feelings, the feeling of anything at all and   
at the same time, I wished to repress them... I devoted time to the   
children, exploring the new world with them. I thought I was helping   
them... but I was mostly keeping my mind away of the questions   
desperately seeking for answers inside my mind. Venturing along with   
the children was refreshing and exciting... but every time I was   
alone, at nights when I went to lie... then I felt weak.  
I had lost my friends and now I was responsible for those   
children. I didn't feel strong enough to defend them but mostly, now   
that I had something to fight for... I felt the fear of the   
possibility of losing them, an overpowering emotion... I hated the   
weakness of that feeling and nearly cost the lives of the children at   
the attack of Phunbaba. Had it not been for Celes and Sabin, we would   
have perished that day... Ever since, we hid whenever Phunbaba came.   
Until my friends came back again to shake me out of this, I never   
knew the true power of those emotions. Power immeasurable, before   
which the sharpest blade and the strongest magic is reduced to   
nothing.  
Phunbaba nearly killed my friends defending the children of   
Mobliz. Before that threat, something broke inside of me... Something   
that felt like anger but was warm, pleasant and empowering... At that   
moment, I felt myself in coordinance. I tapped at the side of me I   
wished to ignore and went out to fight. I defeated, not just   
Phunbaba, but my own fear... the fear of myself.  
It was defeated when one of my little daughters recognised the   
human within the monster I have been... When they called me mama   
again, like always... when tears poured from my Esper eyes...   
Although I'm stronger as an Esper... I'm better as a human. Like   
that, I can comprehend both pain and happiness, sorrow and joy. Like   
that, I have the choice. And I want that choice.  
I know my fear hasn't departed and that I will be scared again.   
But I know now, I can face it. And I will.  
My friends asked to join them... I didn't yet feel ready. I   
promised Celes I would think it over. Locke asked me to come. He   
looked sad when I refused and I told him I needed time. Now my time   
is up. I'm here in Nikeah, waiting for the ferry from South Figaro,   
that will bring my friends to me. I left Mobliz in the care of   
Katarin and Duane. Both have learned to handle the sword and Katarin,   
although she's pregnant, can take care of the little community better   
than anybody... Besides, I won't be long.  
In the port there is agitation as they prepare to haul the   
vessel. The announcement is made and I gaze at it. I smile and raise   
my hands at the frantic waving from the first deck. I can recognise   
Edgar among thousands.  
  
I meet with my friends, all in a smile. Celes binds her hands   
with mine in the formal greeting of the warriors. Edgar hugs me as   
always, only now as a friend. Perhaps, I can see him as such now that   
I got to know him enough not to take offence of his flirtatious   
behaviour. I don't know how Celes is taking this, however... Edgar   
never leaves her side. Or Setzer, but he's not here this time, since   
he never travels with anything that doesn't fly. Edgar's brother,   
Sabin is too among her admirers, although of all, he never words it.   
He hides it behind careless laughter and meaningless acts, but his   
feints... to someone like me are useless...  
This time however it's only Celes and Edgar here. It's only   
after the greetings that I see one more person in their team... one I   
never believed I'd ever see again. Professor Cid of the Magitec   
factory, the one who gave Celes her powers and studied me, taking   
account of everything about me. I look at him and the fear of   
memories creeps back into me, like a chilly wave.  
"It's so good to see you again, Terra," Celes smiles honestly.   
"I think you know professor Cid..."  
"And an amazing person he is!" Edgar interferes. "I've heard   
about his scientific breakthroughs but not of his knowledge on   
Tools... He actually promised to create a few handy gadgets   
especially~"  
"Edgar, I think some silence would be a refreshing change,"   
Celes stops him politely but, like the general she was raised to be,   
her tone doesn't permit any denial. Edgar silences in an obliged,   
breezy smile and to the inn we head.  
  
We sit around the table, just like the old days and guzzle   
tonics by the crackling fireplace. I find confidence in Cid's   
presence. If he is with my friends, I know I can trust him.  
"We're very close to defeating Kefka," Edgar tells me, "but we   
want you with us, Terra. There are people counting on you... don't   
let them down..."  
"I don't know. What of the children of Mobliz?"  
"Terra, you cannot help them by staying there and sheltering   
them. Eventually, you will all perish."  
Celes is right and I know now that I can fight. I yearn to go   
into battle, but am I ready to leave, perhaps for good, something   
that for once I feel mine?  
"I too have come to beseech your aid, dear," says the aged,   
soothing voice of professor Cid. I look at him in question.  
"There is a certain task that only you can perform. I found a   
way to resurrect general Leo... but without you, I cannot do a   
thing..."  
Have I heard correctly? General Leo? But he's dead! I saw him   
dead and what are they saying now to me?  
I nearly slam my mug on the table and leap on my feet.  
"How dare you give me futile hope after all that we've been   
through?" I demand. I can't reason my reactions but I feel my heart   
beating madly in my chest, as if it wants to break free from my   
body...  
"Terra..." Celes pleads with me. "Have faith in professor   
Cid... he knows what he's doing..."  
"General Leo is dead and there's nothing I can do about it! I   
am an Esper but that doesn't mean I'm a God!" I protest.  
"It's not a God we need," says the mellow voice of professor   
Cid. "I can bring General Leo back to life. His body that is. But   
only one person can retrieve his soul..."  
"And that person... is me?" I utter.  
Celes tries hard not to smile... why? What does she know that I   
don't?  
"Think about it," Edgar speaks this time. "He was a great   
warrior and a noble man we would like to have with us... Terra... I   
think it's worth a try..."  
My friends are looking at me but I find no words to say. I   
cannot even decide on what to think.  
I try to believe that General Leo can come back to life and   
that he will fight on our side... I try to tell myself that one like   
him is useful to our cause, I know that even like that, this is the   
only way to remedy the unjust death... but I cannot think. I close my   
eyes in fear of my emotions escaping and then I will lose that sweet   
pain swelling through my eyes. I choose to keep it burning my heart   
instead of letting it out. Brand new sensations take over me and I   
don't want them to go, like he did. One thing I can say for sure. I   
want him back. I want him here. The thought doesn't take the form of   
words and even as I try to grasp it, I can't get it any closer than   
that...  
I look around the table at the expecting faces of my friends   
and for a little, I don't know why I just gaze back at them and do   
not talk. Their hopefulness reminds me that they cannot read my mind   
as neither can I - Espers aren't Gods. I decide it's time to talk...  
"I'll come..." I finally say and see smiles daring to show up   
in the faces. "I'll give it a try. At least, I have to see..."  
As we now stand in the vast fields of puny grass, waiting for   
the Falcon to take us, I feel the air different on my face and that   
dismal sun is almost pleasant on my skin... Celes notices me in   
thought and walks to me with her slight as ever smile. I return her   
stare as she places her hands on my shoulders and looks at my face.  
"Terra... you mustn't give up on hope, ever. You know that..."  
I say nothing. What do I need to say? Verify her words? I don't   
care to do that. I don't want to smile either. I want to keep the   
cool effrontery for a little more and reveal it, when the time comes   
to one only...  
General Leo... I haven't lost faith. Now, more than ever I   
believe in life... and hope... I'll come to your grave and try to   
resurrect you... You must return and see that it didn't all go for   
nothing, see our will to win but most importantly... I need you to be   
with me. You're the only one who can understand me, the only one who   
ever had... And I have to tell you a secret, one that I want you more   
than anyone to know... I've learned how to love.  
  
  
-- The End -- 


End file.
